Life has handed me its usual twists and turns and I'm left confused with a bad headache. Reflection use to be my middle name, and now I struggle to get past the day to day happenings in my mind. Time has opened it's window and granted me more than before but now all I want to do is run from my heart. I used to envy those who were able to put aside the outward expression of their emotion in the midst of crisis or struggle because I have always struggled to maintain my composure in the midst of difficulty. But now I am one of them, masquerading as someone who is getting by whilst I wither inside.
My heart has not seen the sun for some time now. Hidden in the cave of fear, it is tentative to venture out. Desire and longing lure it out of its dark places, in which it has been finding apparent refuge, only to discover that this in fact was not safe hiding place. Neglected and hurt I attempt to love again, to feel again. The darkness is calling me all the while, telling me that there is less risk in the cave and that I can protect myself there and outside of it I am exposed and vulnerable. Torn between these mixed messages of longing for the depth of intimacy and the fear of pain and loss, I hesitate. It is worth the risk? Can I truly be loved? Will I find what I am longing for? Will I be hurt again, and if I am, am I capable of recovering?
Do I even know how to love anymore? Living in a place of fear and self-protection was a must to survive the situations I found myself in. But now that firing squad has stepped down, do I know how to love without self-protection? The shield that I thought was providing me with the protection I needed was being used for more than what it was intended for. Fear whispered lies of safety. Safety came from living behind the shield. But living behind the shield, life was very limited. You could only experience so much, see so much, live so much.
How can I trust The Hand that has hurt me to heal me? So many vows were taken at the last occurance of significant pain that I fear that I will always struggle to trust Him. I know that He knows what's best, for me, for those I love, but yet the pain of I have experienced seems to override those truths. I realize that my perspective is squewed and I cannot take it as absolute truth, but sometimes it is difficult to reconcile the paradoxes of life and you have to come to some conclusions about life and what you believe about it.
Attempting to make sense of brokeness is long and difficult road. This is my journey. I want to believe, and I know that He understands where I am and why I doubt and fear. I am trusting that He won't let me go as I wrestle through these truths so that I can embrace them. In the meantime, I pray for patience and love from Him and those around me as I try to make sense of it all.
Isaiah 42:3
"A bruised reed he will not break,
and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.
In faithfulness he will bring forth justice..."
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