An interesting thing happens when you grow up as a missionary kid: your identity becomes confused. You are born into your passport country and yet because of God's calling on their lives, your parents raise you in a different culture than the one you were born into. Sometimes to add further confusion, your parents don't stay in just that new host culture, they work in other countries or like in my case you go to boarding school in a different culture. TCKs, that's what they call us.
Dave Pollock, the original founder of Interaction International describes a Third Culture Kid (TCK) as: "... an individual who, after having spent a significant part of the developmental years in a culture other than that of their parents,develops a sense of relationship to all of the cultures while not having full ownership in any. Elements from each culture are incorporated into the life experience, but the sense of belonging is in relationship to others of similar experience." So that is who I am: a confusion of cultures. The absence of absolutes. A confusion of loyalties. No culture to call my own, to identify with. I life of grayness, no black or white.
That alone is cause for confusion, but you add to that life experience, relational styles, family dynamics, and rootlessness, you have a recepie for the ultimate identity crisis. Each MK's experience is different, and it's not all bad, but there are definitely specific challenges that we face as a result of life that our parents were called to.
One of my struggles was that I never had ownership of anything that I was particularly skilled at. Growing up I explored several different hobbies and things that I enjoyed but never gained a mastery over one in particular. I ended up getting my Masters in Counseling, but that's a different story. My heart most definitely came alive when I was in the program, but unfortunately at this point in life I am not really doing anything with my degree and gifting. Interestingly enough, while I worked at the Washington Crossing UMC, I discovered a hidden talent, design. I really enjoyed learning and creating different projects for the various ministries I was working for. I also discovered a love for photography.
I never realized that I had this artistic side to me. I always loved music. I was involved in band, choir and my parents always had me sing in front of the churches that supported us when we were on home assignment. But I never really learned how to read music and everything I did was by ear. There was another part of the artist in me and that was writing. I liked to write in school, and I started writing poems in the 8th grade. It's been a couple years since I've written anything, but I know if I were to start thinking along those lines, I might get some inspiration...
I think part of the reason I didn't pursue some of these things is because I lacked the confidence in my accomplishments. My fear of failure kept me trapped in the beginning stages of these different areas of interest. I always knew that there was someone better than me in these different artistic venues, so I didn't venture out the way that I would have liked.
My struggle with perfectionism haunts me as I attempt to step out into areas where I think I might have something unique to offer. But I have decided to step out and try pursuing my love of photography and see what I can do. I got a new camera for my birthday and I am learning how to use it. I love taking pictures of flowers. I thought I might try to make a book (snapfish, nothing too special) of flowers. I have taken pictures of flowers all over the world, and thought it would be fun project to work on.
Here's to stepping out of the cave of fear of failure and pursuing the desires of my heart. Wish me luck! Below is a picture that I will probably include in my book.
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