Before we left on our trip to Ireland, Gordon and would tell people, "we'll be able to do ___ when we get back from Ireland"... So here I am, staring at our blank slate of months to come, waiting for life to write on it... Sure we have some plans, a couple of weddings, our 1 year anniversary and trying to get together with family and friends to catch up on all of the time we didn't have before our trip and other events preceeding our trip...
Ireland was wonderful. We truly had a great time. There are so many things to write about that I won't go into detail now, but at some point I will. I am still trying to regain my heart. I seemed to have lost it. I found it a little bit while we were in Ireland, but I still struggled to keep it alive even in those moments. I'm not sure what is going on and why I'm still feeling so numb, but I am.
So I look at the upcoming months and I wonder what they will be filled with? Will my heart live again? Will I be able to find passion in life again? Will I be able to sort through what is blocking my heart from coming alive? Will I be able to find the rest and relationships I am longing for? Will I be able to find some of my purpose in life? Will I be able to stop existing and start living?
The questions continue to torment my mind and different hopes surface. Yet those hopes are met with cynicism as their fulfillment as so much of life has had to be put on hold in order to accomplish certain achievements in life (ie: graduation, marriage, etc). Often hope is met with fear which snuffs out the life and longing expectation for something good that hope provides. I hate that fear creeps in like that but unfortunately it is where my heart tends to go in order to protect itself from being let down if that hope is not fulfilled. I don't know how to hope without the guarantee that it is actually going to happen.
So now what do I do with the hopes of the future? Try and keep it alive the best I can but it will be a battle...
