My Love

I am so thankful for the amazing husband that God has blessed me with. He is loving, kind, gentle, understanding, patient, gracious, thoughtful, sensitive among so many other things. I just wanted to thank you for being there during these tough times and for not giving up on me when things get hard. You are an amazing example of God's love for me. My best friend, my love, I love you with all my heart!

Trust

There a couple of definitions:

1.reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2.confident expectation of something; hope.
(www.dictionary.com)

The main word running through these definitions is confidence. The latter definition reminds me of the verse in Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. " Faith and trust seem to go hand in hand.

When you've been hurt, deeply hurt, it is difficult to extend that trust again to those who have hurt you. But what do you do when you feel that that hurt was caused by or allowed by God? Do you "forgive" Him, do you try to work through the difficulties and learn how to trust Him again? What do you do with the fear that creeps in when trust is the only thing that you can do is trust? What do you do with those who have endured abuse, childhood abuse, has been part of your life and God did not intervene in those moments of sheer atrocity?

These are all questions that I have been wrestling with for most of my life, but that have recently resurfaced on a more poignant level. There are many areas in my life now in which God is calling me to trust Him (areas of provision and during times of the unknown) and I struggle to trust that He honestly has the best in mind for my life and that He has good plans for me. Of course He has given me many blessings, but those wounds are still there, still oozing, some more than others.

I never realized how much fear controls my life. I worry, I try to do all that I can in every situation to protect myself and those I love in situations of the unknown because I am afraid of loosing them. I struggle the most to relinquish my husband back to the hands of God because I have known a relationship that is "permanent" or one that does not have the potential of leaving or being left behind. Of course anything can happen and He can choose to take Gordon away from me, but I struggle to understand how I can trust God with the one that I love the most in this life and how to allow myself to invest without fear of loosing him. The more I fall in love with my husband, the more I fear loosing him because of the cost that that would involve. I know that it's morbid and depressing to think about these things, but it's hard not to because of the nature of my life.

So how do I trust in the midst of all of this change? How do I let go and trust that God will truly take care of me and the ones that I love? It is really scary to let this go and I know that this question will continue to surface as long as I live. I am doing what I can to address this but it is a long and difficult journey....

Rest

So much is happening around me, that all that I long for right now is rest. A moment to steal away from the craziness of life, and to stop and just be. But lately I don't know how to do that very well. As soon as I get home, I'm going to see how messy the house is, and feel the need to clean so that I can "rest" better (without the clutter) and while I clean, I'll see more things that need to get done, and then I won't have been able to rest at all. Ugh!

The other thing that has been hauting me lately is the guilt factor in regards to resting. Because life has been so crazy busy, and we haven't really stopped for very long over these last couple of years, when I do stop, I feel guilty because there is always some else I could be doing (cleaning, organizing, sorting, packing...) and so to appease the guilt I often give in and try to make myself feel better by doing those things. But I don't end up resting. This is a new phenomenon for me. I've only ever really struggled with the guilt factor in resting before while I was in school, because often I rested too much and didn't do enough homework, but now that I am done with school, I can't seem to shut the guilt off. So I'm not too sure how to make it go away. We'll see what happens tonight. I'd like to find a happy medium in cleaning a little but also finding the time to rest... we'll see if I can do it...

Stop the Merry Go Round- I want to get off!

How do I stop this Merry go Round? It keeps spinning against my will... Just when you think the ride is going to end, it just picks up right where it left off, not leaving me any time to get off and catch my breath! *sigh* This has been the story of my life in the last couple of years but most intensely felt since the beginning of the year.

We hit the ground running, with a new job for Gordon which has him working one night a week, Saturdays and two day shifts at Applebees. This was a tough decision, knowing that he had class 2 other nights during the week, which meant I would be home alone for 3 nights out of the week. At first I was really upset, but later I realized that I was being given "the gift of time" to be able to do the things that I had been wanting to do for awhile and that I had been putting off while I was in school. But my aspirations quickly deflated as I realized that I was incredibly lonely. Being heavily involved in ministry had taken its toll, and left me with few friends I could truly call friends. I was faced with the emptyness inside of me and it terrified me. And I've been running since.

I've been running from God for a couple of years now because of the lack of time to spend with Him but also because I have faced many disappointments and difficulties which caused me to feel as though He couldn't be trusted with my heart. I knew it wasn't the solution to my problems but in some way, by pushing God away from my heart I felt as though I was taking more control over my life and "showing Him" that if He couldn't take care of me, then I most certainly could do a better job. As I am writing this, I am realizing what an arrogant and foolish statement that is, but it was and still is how I have been attempted to protect my heart from present and future pain.

After awhile, a numbness set in and I was able to "avoid" my feelings and emotion which often get the best of me. But there was an ache (and there still is) in my heart telling me that there is more and a better way to live. I long for relationship. Intimate, deep and caring relationship, and I realized that almost all of my friends are far away, and it brought even more pain to my heart. New relationships in our new church have surfaced and "look promising" but it takes time to build those bridges and to allow people back into my heart again. I feel as though I lack the strength to try to build these relationships but I know that I long for them, so I am trying.

But I'm afraid. Afraid of loosing it all again. I can't live in isolation because it is too painful. And I can't risk relationship because the potential for loss is too painful. No matter what there will be pain, so I need to decide which one is "better". Loss is the new topic on my lips as of late. I'm being faced with it yet again and I'm sure will continually facing it as life continues. But I don't know how much more I can take. It hurts too deeply. Those wounds have never had the time to heal. Just as soon as a scab forms over the wound to protect the area while it heals, someone violently rips the scab off, and I'm bleeding again. Sometimes more severely than before. I know that's a grusome description, but it's how I feel.

Well I didn't mean for this post to be depressing but, it's where I am right now. It feels good to write. I haven't done it in a LONG time. Just another way that I have been attempting to avoid my heart. Hopefully writing in this new blog, will help me to find my heart again....