Stop the Merry Go Round- I want to get off!

How do I stop this Merry go Round? It keeps spinning against my will... Just when you think the ride is going to end, it just picks up right where it left off, not leaving me any time to get off and catch my breath! *sigh* This has been the story of my life in the last couple of years but most intensely felt since the beginning of the year.

We hit the ground running, with a new job for Gordon which has him working one night a week, Saturdays and two day shifts at Applebees. This was a tough decision, knowing that he had class 2 other nights during the week, which meant I would be home alone for 3 nights out of the week. At first I was really upset, but later I realized that I was being given "the gift of time" to be able to do the things that I had been wanting to do for awhile and that I had been putting off while I was in school. But my aspirations quickly deflated as I realized that I was incredibly lonely. Being heavily involved in ministry had taken its toll, and left me with few friends I could truly call friends. I was faced with the emptyness inside of me and it terrified me. And I've been running since.

I've been running from God for a couple of years now because of the lack of time to spend with Him but also because I have faced many disappointments and difficulties which caused me to feel as though He couldn't be trusted with my heart. I knew it wasn't the solution to my problems but in some way, by pushing God away from my heart I felt as though I was taking more control over my life and "showing Him" that if He couldn't take care of me, then I most certainly could do a better job. As I am writing this, I am realizing what an arrogant and foolish statement that is, but it was and still is how I have been attempted to protect my heart from present and future pain.

After awhile, a numbness set in and I was able to "avoid" my feelings and emotion which often get the best of me. But there was an ache (and there still is) in my heart telling me that there is more and a better way to live. I long for relationship. Intimate, deep and caring relationship, and I realized that almost all of my friends are far away, and it brought even more pain to my heart. New relationships in our new church have surfaced and "look promising" but it takes time to build those bridges and to allow people back into my heart again. I feel as though I lack the strength to try to build these relationships but I know that I long for them, so I am trying.

But I'm afraid. Afraid of loosing it all again. I can't live in isolation because it is too painful. And I can't risk relationship because the potential for loss is too painful. No matter what there will be pain, so I need to decide which one is "better". Loss is the new topic on my lips as of late. I'm being faced with it yet again and I'm sure will continually facing it as life continues. But I don't know how much more I can take. It hurts too deeply. Those wounds have never had the time to heal. Just as soon as a scab forms over the wound to protect the area while it heals, someone violently rips the scab off, and I'm bleeding again. Sometimes more severely than before. I know that's a grusome description, but it's how I feel.

Well I didn't mean for this post to be depressing but, it's where I am right now. It feels good to write. I haven't done it in a LONG time. Just another way that I have been attempting to avoid my heart. Hopefully writing in this new blog, will help me to find my heart again....