Trust

There a couple of definitions:

1.reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2.confident expectation of something; hope.
(www.dictionary.com)

The main word running through these definitions is confidence. The latter definition reminds me of the verse in Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. " Faith and trust seem to go hand in hand.

When you've been hurt, deeply hurt, it is difficult to extend that trust again to those who have hurt you. But what do you do when you feel that that hurt was caused by or allowed by God? Do you "forgive" Him, do you try to work through the difficulties and learn how to trust Him again? What do you do with the fear that creeps in when trust is the only thing that you can do is trust? What do you do with those who have endured abuse, childhood abuse, has been part of your life and God did not intervene in those moments of sheer atrocity?

These are all questions that I have been wrestling with for most of my life, but that have recently resurfaced on a more poignant level. There are many areas in my life now in which God is calling me to trust Him (areas of provision and during times of the unknown) and I struggle to trust that He honestly has the best in mind for my life and that He has good plans for me. Of course He has given me many blessings, but those wounds are still there, still oozing, some more than others.

I never realized how much fear controls my life. I worry, I try to do all that I can in every situation to protect myself and those I love in situations of the unknown because I am afraid of loosing them. I struggle the most to relinquish my husband back to the hands of God because I have known a relationship that is "permanent" or one that does not have the potential of leaving or being left behind. Of course anything can happen and He can choose to take Gordon away from me, but I struggle to understand how I can trust God with the one that I love the most in this life and how to allow myself to invest without fear of loosing him. The more I fall in love with my husband, the more I fear loosing him because of the cost that that would involve. I know that it's morbid and depressing to think about these things, but it's hard not to because of the nature of my life.

So how do I trust in the midst of all of this change? How do I let go and trust that God will truly take care of me and the ones that I love? It is really scary to let this go and I know that this question will continue to surface as long as I live. I am doing what I can to address this but it is a long and difficult journey....